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The Five Pillars of Bammerslam

9 March, 2010

In light of the recent unfortunate events in College Football, I got to thinking about the religiosity of the football program of the University of Alabama at Tuscaloosa.  I realized that there are indeed ways that you can theoretically work your way into Bammecca, or Crimsvana, if you will.  Declaring this a works-based religion therefore rules it a false religion, in and of itself, and anyone attempting to work their way to the Land of Pure Mullets should start seeking the Truth of salvation by sovereign grace alone.

“Why,” you ask, “has it taken you two months to publish the 5 pillars?”  Well that is simply because I am not living in Birmingham right now, and I have not had the burden of witnessing what is surely hundreds of thousands of people flamboyantly displaying their false-faith right there in the streets.  What with their raggedy flags and Wal-Mart stickers on their cars.  Oh how I ache for my brothers and sisters who live among such heathen rituals!

Anyhow, if you find yourself blindly following any of the following 5 pillars of Bammerslam, consider yourself on the path to destruction.  Your faith may get you a new t-shirt and matching cap, but as for more significant things, you will be disappointed.

First Pillar:
The bammer must audibly claim, “I profess that there is no leader but the Bear, and that Nick Saban is his messenger.”

Second Pillar:
The bammer must audibly say, “Rull Tahd,” 5 times a day, with his face toward Tuscalooser.

Third Pillar:
The bammer must buy UAT paraphernalia at their local Wal-Mart, Dollar Store, or Thrift Store in order to aid their fellow believers at the cash register.

Fourth Pillar:
The bammer must refrain from the consumption of Alcohol from sunrise to sunset during the entire basketball season*+

Fifth Pillar:
The bammer must make a trip to Tuscaloosa at least once during their lifetime, and must walk around BDS two times, but they are not required to purchase a ticket or enter the Stadium.

If you or any of your friends are caught in this web of lies and false doctrine, please refer to your closest Auburn fan for assistance, but do know that he reserves the right to reject your cries for help.

* This pillar has been changed to say “from sunrise to sunset” since “from sunset to sunrise” was deemed impossible.
+ This pillar has been changed to remove the phrase, “including March Madness,” because of it was deemed unfair, seeing as UAT is not usually included in those festivites

Note:  This is all in good fun, and for the attempted benefit of society.  Please don’t get too offended.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Katy Myers permalink
    9 March, 2010 20:00

    Yes! I’m glad I am a convert of the true of orange and blue!

  2. Ricky Rondo permalink
    25 March, 2010 23:52

    Judging from most Alabama fans I’ve seen, there’s a lot of ignoring Pillar 5. Most of them haven’t even been within miles of that campus

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